Anorexia is a drug.
I don't know what to do. I read this girls post about how she had wanted to fast tomarow and I just tensed up. Now, all I can think is how wonderfull it would be if I just happened not to eat tomarow.a This afternoon I wanted to vomit. I wasn't even- I don't know. I used to think, in the back of my head, that maybe I didn't really have an eating disorder. That secretly I could just go back to being normal without even trying. But what normal person randomly has crazy hardcore urges to go running into the restroom, stick her toothbrush down her throat and gag herself till every last god damn ounce of food is out of her over stuffed fat stomach? lol. Yea. That's not the most nromal reaction to food, is it?
I like food. Sort of. I do. Like after working, I like the idea of being able to go home, sit down, mindlessly flip channels while eating hummus or veggie pizza (I'm vegan) or whatever. I like ice cream. I like fugdecicles. I even like french fries. But I hate how it is after I'm done eating. If food could just enter you momentarily and than be gone, I would love it. But it doesn't. It stays with you. It weighs you down. Your stomach is stuffed and I feel stuck. Heavy. Gross. I don't want people to see me. I don't want to do anything. I feel terrible and disgusting and sick. I always want to vomit.
I don't know. I don't know how much longer this is going to be with me. Can you really recover? What does recover mean? I don't think I'm ever going to feel as alive as I do when I'm not eating.So how can I ever be that happy again? I can eat. I really can. Does that mean I'm better? Cured? Ha. I still hate myself for my body. This morning I was putting lotion on and I just was disgusted. I didn't look in the mear. I don't want to see the fat.
I like not eating because I have a plan and a goal and an easy way to measure the progress, by pounds and calories. It's pretty simple. And it makes me feel alive. Not eating is exciting. It's hard to keep moving after the thrid day of not eating but than you think to yourself, I havn't ate in three days and that's just amazing. It's like wearing sexy underwear, it's your own little secret that you can think about to yourself and be quite thrilled.
It sounds stupid. How can you describe the rush you get from not eating? It's like clean, pure and so crazy light. Anyone can see me, and I'm proud of my body or at least a lot closer to proud than I am now. I can feel my bones. My sexy bones. lmao. I know bones aren't sexy and that doesn't make any sence to you proably. It barely makes sence to me.
I want to be better. Better at what though? I don't know. I want to be better at loving my body, perhaps? But how can I fake my way into loving such an ugly thing? I want to get better. I don't want to have the weird as hell urges. I want to look at bony models and celebrities and say "Oh they're too thin..." and mean it. I don't want thin to be my goal anymore. I don't want to hate having food inside me. I want to love something other than hipbones, ribcages and tiny stick legs.
I don't think it's going to happen. But heres to hopin'.